So Stan Says
The musings of Stanley Herbert Vickers, the 4 year old philosopher.
Saturday 2 November 2013
Wednesday 5 June 2013
Sunday 2 June 2013
Votes for Women
Stan: In the olden days they used to put stones round camp fires.
Mum: Do you know why they used to do that?
Stan: Yeah, so men could stand on them and throw ladies vote cards into the fire. That's not very nice is it?
Mum: Do you know why they used to do that?
Stan: Yeah, so men could stand on them and throw ladies vote cards into the fire. That's not very nice is it?
Monday 20 May 2013
It's in hand
Stan: (Enters the room holding his penis in his hand and says to Jordan, a guest) Look at it! Look at it or die!
Jordan: I'd rather not thanks Stan.
Stan: Ok, I'll put you down for a die then.
Jordan: I'd rather not thanks Stan.
Stan: Ok, I'll put you down for a die then.
Tuesday 23 April 2013
Mistaken Identity
Mum: Who's birthday is it on the same day as Flossie?
Stan: Don't know.
Mum: He's black and furry and gets in the way a lot?
Stan: Daddy?
Stan: Don't know.
Mum: He's black and furry and gets in the way a lot?
Stan: Daddy?
Monday 15 April 2013
Proof of Payment
Mum: Can you grab the receipt for me please Stan?
Stan: Ahhhh, the two dimensional record.
Stan: Ahhhh, the two dimensional record.
Thursday 4 April 2013
A Poem
A poem by Stanley Herbert, aged 3.
I want to glue your face
Banana Haggis and a screwdriver
One is spiky and one is hairy
One is pulling and one is scary,
I want to cut your head off please.
Where's bumhole gone?
I want to glue your face
Banana Haggis and a screwdriver
One is spiky and one is hairy
One is pulling and one is scary,
I want to cut your head off please.
Where's bumhole gone?
Monday 7 January 2013
Nefarious Activities
Dad: OK spy Stan, have you gathered any useful intelligence since we've been on our spy mission?
Wednesday 12 December 2012
Tuesday 11 December 2012
Blasphemy
Stan: (walking into the room as Florence was having a particularly horrific nappy change) Oh my actual real god in the world. That stinks.
Wednesday 31 October 2012
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Dad: Are you looking forward to having your hair cut Stan? I know I am.
Stan: Why? You don't have any.
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Now That's Magic
Magician: (to a little girl helping him with a magic trick) Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands yet?
Little girl: No.
Magician: Oh dear, boys and girls. We'd better try it again. How about now? Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands now?
Little girl: no.
Stan: (in a super loud voice) I'd try something else, if I were you. This magic obviously isn't working.
Little girl: No.
Magician: Oh dear, boys and girls. We'd better try it again. How about now? Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands now?
Little girl: no.
Stan: (in a super loud voice) I'd try something else, if I were you. This magic obviously isn't working.
Monday 20 August 2012
Be Told
Stan: (to his 14 month old sister, who was sitting on the dining table) Florence, you are not powerful, you are not fleabant, you are not normal, you are porbidge.
Monday 16 July 2012
Vader's Visit
Richard: (who was in the recent Currys Star Wars advert and is therefore a close personal friend of Darth Vader) So Stan, have you got anything you would like me to say to Darth Vader for you?
Stan: Um yep, please can you tell him to meet me at 12.15 tomorrow?
Richards advert.
Stan: Um yep, please can you tell him to meet me at 12.15 tomorrow?
Richards advert.
Friday 6 July 2012
At Your Convenience
Mum: So, what do you think to your new school, Stan?
Stan: It's great. They've got urinals.
Stan: It's great. They've got urinals.
Thursday 5 July 2012
OMCG
Stan: (ferreting about in the bathroom for an extraordinary length of time) Oh my Chilean God, I've pooed on my finger. Muuuuum, there's poo on my actual finger
Sunday 1 July 2012
Pliers
Stan: (Holding a pair of pliers) I'm going to use these to chop baddies fingers off.
Grandpa: That's not their purpose Stan.
Stan: I'm not going to do it on pupose, I'm going to do it by accident.
Grandpa: That's not their purpose Stan.
Stan: I'm not going to do it on pupose, I'm going to do it by accident.
Thursday 21 June 2012
What to do?
Mum: What do you want to be when you're older Stan?
Stan: A fish finger.
Mum: You can't be a fish finger.
Stan: A king then.
Stan: A fish finger.
Mum: You can't be a fish finger.
Stan: A king then.
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Friday 1 June 2012
Euphemism
Dad: (surreptitiously to Mum, thinking Stan was out of ear shot) Any chance we could raise the flag pole as part of our Jubilee celebrations?
Stan: The answer to your next question is no.
Stan: The answer to your next question is no.
Saturday 26 May 2012
Saturday 19 May 2012
Daddy.
Stan: Daddy, Daddy...Daddy, Daddy....Daddy, Daddy.
Dad: Stan can you stop saying Daddy every two seconds?
Stan: Dad?
Dad: Stan can you stop saying Daddy every two seconds?
Stan: Dad?
Sunday 13 May 2012
Stop That!
Dad: I think it's about time you shut up Stan, your sister is trying to sleep.
Stan: I think it's about time you stopped growing teeth.
Stan: I think it's about time you stopped growing teeth.
Thursday 3 May 2012
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Emotional Pyrotechnics
Stan: Black fireworks are ever so sad.
Mum: Why?
Stan: Because the haven't got a dream in their hearts.
Mum: Why?
Stan: Because the haven't got a dream in their hearts.
Sunday 22 April 2012
My Compliments to the Chef
Mum: How's your dinner?
Stan: Well it's quite intergalactic but it's OK.
Mum: OK.
Stan: It makes me go, ting tong ting tong alla walla bing bong.
Stan: Well it's quite intergalactic but it's OK.
Mum: OK.
Stan: It makes me go, ting tong ting tong alla walla bing bong.
Friday 20 April 2012
Birthday Wishes
Mum: What would you like for your birthday Stan?
Stan: An Xbox
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: A broom stick that actually flies.
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: A mug, with a medium sized elephant in the bottom of it.
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: Two bikes, actually stuck together.
Mum: Hmmm.
Stan: An Xbox
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: A broom stick that actually flies.
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: A mug, with a medium sized elephant in the bottom of it.
Mum: Anything else?
Stan: Two bikes, actually stuck together.
Mum: Hmmm.
Thursday 19 April 2012
Thespian
Stan: (Making large expressive gestures)
Dad: What are you doing Stan?
Stan: I'm channeling the bard.
Sunday 15 April 2012
Saturday 14 April 2012
Sanitary
Stan: Why are trampons only for flim flams?
Mum: Because flim flams have got room for them. Peenee's are too small.
Stan: Can I try and put one up my peenee?
Mum: No it won't fit.
Stan: Can I hang one off my balls then?
Mum: Because flim flams have got room for them. Peenee's are too small.
Stan: Can I try and put one up my peenee?
Mum: No it won't fit.
Stan: Can I hang one off my balls then?
Friday 6 April 2012
Literally
Mum: Come on, Stan. Just try and have a wee before we go out.
Stan: But I don't need one.
Mum: Go on mate, please give it a try.
Stan: I DON'T need one.
Mum: Go on, just a little one. Go on, give it a bash.
(Stan punches himself in the balls really hard, doubles over in pain and looks at me in horror)
Stan: Why on Earth did you tell me to do that? It really hurts.
Stan: But I don't need one.
Mum: Go on mate, please give it a try.
Stan: I DON'T need one.
Mum: Go on, just a little one. Go on, give it a bash.
(Stan punches himself in the balls really hard, doubles over in pain and looks at me in horror)
Stan: Why on Earth did you tell me to do that? It really hurts.
Sunday 1 April 2012
T-shirt
Stan: (Looking for his mind the gap London underground t-shirt) Mum, where's my, grind the flaps t-shirt?
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Take Your Pick
Stan: It's stuck, it's stuck, my finger's stuck. (Appears in the kitchen doorway with his left index finger up his nose)
Monday 26 March 2012
Friday 23 March 2012
Livestock
Crazy party entertainer: Does anyone have any pets?
Stan: (very loudly) I had a wiggly worm once, but it's gone now.
Stan: (very loudly) I had a wiggly worm once, but it's gone now.
Monday 19 March 2012
Man Practice (Band Practice)
Stan: Is Dad going to man practice tonight?
Mum: Yes Stan. What do you think Dad does at man practice?
Stan: He bites people and jumps on them and puts muck in their eyes. And then he gives them an ice cream.
Mum: Yes Stan. What do you think Dad does at man practice?
Stan: He bites people and jumps on them and puts muck in their eyes. And then he gives them an ice cream.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Lee's Cartoon
This cartoon is the property of Lee Simpson.
Saturday 17 March 2012
Friday 16 March 2012
What's On The Bill?
Stan: (eating his breakfast, pauses, puts his spoon down) It'd be crazy to nail varnish a starling's beak.
Mum: Erm, yes, I suppose it would.
Mum: Erm, yes, I suppose it would.
Thursday 15 March 2012
It's a Hard Knock Life
Mum: Dad's got to work late tonight so you might have to start reading your bedtime story yourself, till I've got Floss in bed and then I'll come and join you.
Stan: (sigh) It's like living in an orphanage in this house.
Stan: (sigh) It's like living in an orphanage in this house.
Wednesday 14 March 2012
Monday 12 March 2012
Emotions Explained
Stan: Like is like mango and love is like cauliflower.
Mum: Ok. What do you mean?
Stan: Because like is smooth like mango, and love is bobbly like cauliflower.
Mum: Ok. What do you mean?
Stan: Because like is smooth like mango, and love is bobbly like cauliflower.
Sunday 11 March 2012
Times Gone By
Stan: Dad, in the olden days, Oliver came to my house and put whale fat into my mouth.
Saturday 10 March 2012
Revelation
Stan sitting at the breakfast table, stops eating, turns to Dad.
Stan: I'm going to make some grey, sunflower seed flavoured toothpaste for monsters, that's what I'll do.
Stan: I'm going to make some grey, sunflower seed flavoured toothpaste for monsters, that's what I'll do.
Friday 9 March 2012
Emo Dad
Stan: I wish you weren't my Daddy. I wish you were called Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert.
Dad: Why Stan what does he do that I don't?
Stan: Because Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert wears two kinds of lipstick, one that stains and one that doesn't, even though he's a boy.
Dad: Why Stan what does he do that I don't?
Stan: Because Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert wears two kinds of lipstick, one that stains and one that doesn't, even though he's a boy.
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Monday 5 March 2012
Friday 2 March 2012
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