Fascist Feasting

Stan: This meal is so Germanic, it's making my eyes turn blue. 

Just Weird

Stan: You've been framed, sponsored by an eye looking at the frame.

Votes for Women

Stan: In the olden days they used to put stones round camp fires.

Mum: Do you know why they used to do that?

Stan: Yeah, so men could stand on them and throw ladies vote cards into the fire. That's not very nice is it?

It's in hand

Stan: (Enters the room holding his penis in his hand and says to Jordan, a guest) Look at it! Look at it or die!

Jordan: I'd rather not thanks Stan.

Stan: Ok, I'll put you down for a die then.

Mistaken Identity

Mum: Who's birthday is it on the same day as Flossie?

Stan: Don't know.

Mum: He's black and furry and gets in the way a lot?

Stan: Daddy?

Proof of Payment

Mum: Can you grab the receipt for me please Stan?

Stan: Ahhhh, the two dimensional record.

A Poem

A poem by Stanley Herbert, aged 3. 

I want to glue your face
Banana Haggis and a screwdriver 
One is spiky and one is hairy
One is pulling and one is scary,
I want to cut your head off please. 
Where's bumhole gone?

Nefarious Activities

Dad: OK spy Stan, have you gathered any useful intelligence since we've been on our spy mission?

Stan: Yes. There is a man behind that tree who is being sick on an animal.

Philosophy

Stan: How do you know what you mean?

Blasphemy

Stan: (walking into the room as Florence was having a particularly horrific nappy change) Oh my actual real god in the world. That stinks.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dad: Are you looking forward to having your hair cut Stan? I know I am.

Stan: Why? You don't have any.

Now That's Magic

Magician: (to a little girl helping him with a magic trick) Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands yet?

Little girl: No.

Magician: Oh dear, boys and girls. We'd better try it again. How about now? Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands now?

Little girl: no.

Stan: (in a super loud voice) I'd try something else, if I were you. This magic obviously isn't working.

Be Told

Stan: (to his 14 month old sister, who was sitting on the dining table) Florence, you are not powerful, you are not fleabant, you are not normal, you are porbidge.

Vader's Visit

Richard: (who was in the recent Currys Star Wars advert and is therefore a close personal friend of Darth Vader) So Stan, have you got anything you would like me to say to Darth Vader for you?

 Stan: Um yep, please can you tell him to meet me at 12.15 tomorrow?

Richards advert.

At Your Convenience

Mum: So, what do you think to your new school, Stan?

 Stan: It's great. They've got urinals.

Birthday

Just to let you all know, Stan is now 4 years old and has been since the end of May.

OMCG

Stan: (ferreting about in the bathroom for an extraordinary length of time) Oh my Chilean God, I've pooed on my finger. Muuuuum, there's poo on my actual finger

Pliers

Stan: (Holding a pair of pliers) I'm going to use these to chop baddies fingers off.

Grandpa: That's not their purpose Stan.

Stan: I'm not going to do it on pupose, I'm going to do it by accident.

What to do?

Mum: What do you want to be when you're older Stan?

Stan: A fish finger.

Mum: You can't be a fish finger.

Stan: A king then.

Thinking Big

Stan: Daddy, how do I change the world?