Saturday, 2 November 2013

Fascist Feasting

Stan: This meal is so Germanic, it's making my eyes turn blue. 

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Just Weird

Stan: You've been framed, sponsored by an eye looking at the frame.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Votes for Women

Stan: In the olden days they used to put stones round camp fires.

Mum: Do you know why they used to do that?

Stan: Yeah, so men could stand on them and throw ladies vote cards into the fire. That's not very nice is it?

Monday, 20 May 2013

It's in hand

Stan: (Enters the room holding his penis in his hand and says to Jordan, a guest) Look at it! Look at it or die!

Jordan: I'd rather not thanks Stan.

Stan: Ok, I'll put you down for a die then.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Mistaken Identity

Mum: Who's birthday is it on the same day as Flossie?

Stan: Don't know.

Mum: He's black and furry and gets in the way a lot?

Stan: Daddy?

Monday, 15 April 2013

Proof of Payment

Mum: Can you grab the receipt for me please Stan?

Stan: Ahhhh, the two dimensional record.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

A Poem

A poem by Stanley Herbert, aged 3. 

I want to glue your face
Banana Haggis and a screwdriver 
One is spiky and one is hairy
One is pulling and one is scary,
I want to cut your head off please. 
Where's bumhole gone?

Monday, 7 January 2013

Nefarious Activities

Dad: OK spy Stan, have you gathered any useful intelligence since we've been on our spy mission?

Stan: Yes. There is a man behind that tree who is being sick on an animal.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012


Stan: How do you know what you mean?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012


Stan: (walking into the room as Florence was having a particularly horrific nappy change) Oh my actual real god in the world. That stinks.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dad: Are you looking forward to having your hair cut Stan? I know I am.

Stan: Why? You don't have any.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Now That's Magic

Magician: (to a little girl helping him with a magic trick) Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands yet?

Little girl: No.

Magician: Oh dear, boys and girls. We'd better try it again. How about now? Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands now?

Little girl: no.

Stan: (in a super loud voice) I'd try something else, if I were you. This magic obviously isn't working.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Be Told

Stan: (to his 14 month old sister, who was sitting on the dining table) Florence, you are not powerful, you are not fleabant, you are not normal, you are porbidge.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Vader's Visit

Richard: (who was in the recent Currys Star Wars advert and is therefore a close personal friend of Darth Vader) So Stan, have you got anything you would like me to say to Darth Vader for you?

 Stan: Um yep, please can you tell him to meet me at 12.15 tomorrow?

Richards advert.

Friday, 6 July 2012

At Your Convenience

Mum: So, what do you think to your new school, Stan?

 Stan: It's great. They've got urinals.


Just to let you all know, Stan is now 4 years old and has been since the end of May.

Thursday, 5 July 2012


Stan: (ferreting about in the bathroom for an extraordinary length of time) Oh my Chilean God, I've pooed on my finger. Muuuuum, there's poo on my actual finger

Sunday, 1 July 2012


Stan: (Holding a pair of pliers) I'm going to use these to chop baddies fingers off.

Grandpa: That's not their purpose Stan.

Stan: I'm not going to do it on pupose, I'm going to do it by accident.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

What to do?

Mum: What do you want to be when you're older Stan?

Stan: A fish finger.

Mum: You can't be a fish finger.

Stan: A king then.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Thinking Big

Stan: Daddy, how do I change the world?

Tuesday, 5 June 2012


Stan: Mum, come and look at my poo, it's long and unusual.

Friday, 1 June 2012


Dad: (surreptitiously to Mum, thinking Stan was out of ear shot) Any chance we could raise the flag pole as part of our Jubilee celebrations?

Stan: The answer to your next question is no.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

To Love & to be Loved

Dad: I love you Stan.

Stan: Yea, well, who doesn't?

Saturday, 19 May 2012


Stan: Daddy, Daddy...Daddy,   Daddy....Daddy, Daddy.

Dad: Stan can you stop saying Daddy every two seconds?

Stan: Dad?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Stop That!

Dad: I think it's about time you shut up Stan, your sister is trying to sleep.

Stan: I think it's about time you stopped growing teeth.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Amphibious Habitats

Dad: Good morning Stan.

Stan: I wish I lived with the toads.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Emotional Pyrotechnics

Stan: Black fireworks are ever so sad.

Mum: Why?

Stan: Because the haven't got a dream in their hearts.

Sunday, 22 April 2012

My Compliments to the Chef

Mum: How's your dinner?

Stan: Well it's quite intergalactic but it's OK.

Mum: OK.

Stan: It makes me go, ting tong ting tong alla walla bing bong.

Friday, 20 April 2012

Birthday Wishes

Mum: What would you like for your birthday Stan?

Stan: An Xbox

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: A broom stick that actually flies.

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: A mug, with a medium sized elephant in the bottom of it.

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: Two bikes, actually stuck together.

Mum: Hmmm.

Thursday, 19 April 2012


Stan: (Making large expressive gestures)

Dad: What are you doing Stan?

Stan: I'm channeling the bard.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Feline Faeces

Stan: Daddy, did you know, Cats bury their wee and poo so donkeys can't find them?

Saturday, 14 April 2012


Stan: Why are trampons only for flim flams?

Mum: Because flim flams have got room for them. Peenee's are too small.

Stan: Can I try and put one up my peenee?

Mum: No it won't fit.

Stan: Can I hang one off my balls then?

Friday, 6 April 2012


Mum: Come on, Stan. Just try and have a wee before we go out.

Stan: But I don't need one.

Mum: Go on mate, please give it a try.

Stan: I DON'T need one.

Mum: Go on, just a little one. Go on, give it a bash.

(Stan punches himself in the balls really hard, doubles over in pain and looks at me in horror)

Stan: Why on Earth did you tell me to do that? It really hurts.

Sunday, 1 April 2012


Stan: (Looking for his mind the gap London underground t-shirt) Mum, where's my, grind the flaps t-shirt?

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Take Your Pick

Stan: It's stuck, it's stuck, my finger's stuck. (Appears in the kitchen doorway with his left index finger up his nose)

Monday, 26 March 2012

You have much to learn

Stan: A bambinoccino is a sort of coffee, for Padawans.

Friday, 23 March 2012


Crazy party entertainer: Does anyone have any pets? 

Stan: (very loudly) I had a wiggly worm once, but it's gone now. 

Monday, 19 March 2012

Man Practice (Band Practice)

Stan: Is Dad going to man practice tonight?

Mum:  Yes Stan. What do you think Dad does at man practice?

Stan: He bites people and jumps on them and puts muck in their eyes. And then he gives them an ice cream.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Lee's Cartoon

Thanks so much to Lee who drew this brilliant cartoon of Stan. Not only is he a talented artist, he is a musician in a great band, Everyone An Army He's also on twitter @radiomoths 
This cartoon is the property of Lee Simpson. 

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Parental Concern

Stan: Put your seatbelt on, you boring Dad of doom.

Friday, 16 March 2012

What's On The Bill?

Stan: (eating his breakfast, pauses, puts his spoon down) It'd be crazy to nail varnish a starling's beak.

 Mum: Erm, yes, I suppose it would.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

It's a Hard Knock Life

Mum: Dad's got to work late tonight so you might have to start reading your bedtime story yourself, till I've got Floss in bed and then I'll come and join you.

Stan: (sigh) It's like living in an orphanage in this house.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

What's In a Name 2?

Dad: What should we call your sister Stan?

Stan: Floss, Floss my Malteser.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Emotions Explained

Stan: Like is like mango and love is like cauliflower.

Mum: Ok. What do you mean?

Stan: Because like is smooth like mango, and love is bobbly like cauliflower.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Times Gone By

Stan: Dad, in the olden days, Oliver came to my house and put whale fat into my mouth.

Saturday, 10 March 2012


Stan sitting at the breakfast table, stops eating, turns to Dad.

Stan: I'm going to make some grey, sunflower seed flavoured toothpaste for monsters, that's what I'll do.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Emo Dad

Stan: I wish you weren't my Daddy. I wish you were called Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert.

Dad: Why Stan what does he do that I don't?

Stan: Because Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert wears two kinds of lipstick, one that stains and one that doesn't, even though he's a boy.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Must Try Harder

Stan: Daddy, are you going to man practice tonight?

Monday, 5 March 2012


Dad: Come on Stan, lets put your cream on.

Stan: Don't put the madness cream on me.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Dear Sister

Dad: What shall we call your baby sister Stan? 

Stan: iPhone, iPhone Tourettes.