Saturday, 28 January 2012


Stan: (snaps his arms like a crocodile) Here comes a crushing machine to crush you. 

Mum: Please don't crush me, Stanley. 

Stan: Calm down Mum, I'm only gonna take your skin off.

Friday, 27 January 2012

A Beverage

Mum: Would you like a hot drink Stan?

Stan: Horlicks? With Dad? By the computer? What a curious plan.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Endangered Species

Stan: Muuuuum, can you eat tortoises? 

Mum: No, Stanley. 

Stan: Why can't you eat tortoises? 

Mum: Because they taste horrible and they are protected so you can't eat them. 

Stan: Even at Christmas? What if I tidy my toys up? 

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Mum: Stanley, what on Earth are you doing? 

Stan: (naked from the waist down, sat cross legged on the floor with the bath mat stuck up his bum) Sometimes toilet roll isn't enough, Mum.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Sixth Sense

Stan: (Stops eating his breakfast, turns and points his spoon at me and whispers), Someone is watching you.

Monday, 23 January 2012

What's in a Name?


Stan: Muuuuuuuum. 

Mum: Yes, Stanley, what's wrong? 

Stan: I wish you weren't called Mum. 

Mum: Stan, it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. 

Stan: I think Graham would be a better name for you. 

Mum: Please go back to sleep. 

Stan: Ok Graham. I'll try, but I'd rather be a mouse.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

And For My Next Trick

Stan: Why don't squirrels cross the road? 

Mum: Because they're not very good at it and they get squished. 

Stan: Why aren't they very good at it? 

Mum: Because everybody is different. Some animals are good at some things and some animals are rubbish at other things. What are you good at? 

Stan: Ummmm, squashing berries. 

Mum: Ok, what are you rubbish at? 

Stan: Cutting dogs in half (big pause) Muuuuuum, what's inside a dog?