Wednesday, 12 December 2012


Stan: How do you know what you mean?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012


Stan: (walking into the room as Florence was having a particularly horrific nappy change) Oh my actual real god in the world. That stinks.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dad: Are you looking forward to having your hair cut Stan? I know I am.

Stan: Why? You don't have any.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Now That's Magic

Magician: (to a little girl helping him with a magic trick) Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands yet?

Little girl: No.

Magician: Oh dear, boys and girls. We'd better try it again. How about now? Can you feel any magic tingling in your hands now?

Little girl: no.

Stan: (in a super loud voice) I'd try something else, if I were you. This magic obviously isn't working.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Be Told

Stan: (to his 14 month old sister, who was sitting on the dining table) Florence, you are not powerful, you are not fleabant, you are not normal, you are porbidge.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Vader's Visit

Richard: (who was in the recent Currys Star Wars advert and is therefore a close personal friend of Darth Vader) So Stan, have you got anything you would like me to say to Darth Vader for you?

 Stan: Um yep, please can you tell him to meet me at 12.15 tomorrow?

Richards advert.

Friday, 6 July 2012

At Your Convenience

Mum: So, what do you think to your new school, Stan?

 Stan: It's great. They've got urinals.


Just to let you all know, Stan is now 4 years old and has been since the end of May.

Thursday, 5 July 2012


Stan: (ferreting about in the bathroom for an extraordinary length of time) Oh my Chilean God, I've pooed on my finger. Muuuuum, there's poo on my actual finger

Sunday, 1 July 2012


Stan: (Holding a pair of pliers) I'm going to use these to chop baddies fingers off.

Grandpa: That's not their purpose Stan.

Stan: I'm not going to do it on pupose, I'm going to do it by accident.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

What to do?

Mum: What do you want to be when you're older Stan?

Stan: A fish finger.

Mum: You can't be a fish finger.

Stan: A king then.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Thinking Big

Stan: Daddy, how do I change the world?

Tuesday, 5 June 2012


Stan: Mum, come and look at my poo, it's long and unusual.

Friday, 1 June 2012


Dad: (surreptitiously to Mum, thinking Stan was out of ear shot) Any chance we could raise the flag pole as part of our Jubilee celebrations?

Stan: The answer to your next question is no.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

To Love & to be Loved

Dad: I love you Stan.

Stan: Yea, well, who doesn't?

Saturday, 19 May 2012


Stan: Daddy, Daddy...Daddy,   Daddy....Daddy, Daddy.

Dad: Stan can you stop saying Daddy every two seconds?

Stan: Dad?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Stop That!

Dad: I think it's about time you shut up Stan, your sister is trying to sleep.

Stan: I think it's about time you stopped growing teeth.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Amphibious Habitats

Dad: Good morning Stan.

Stan: I wish I lived with the toads.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Emotional Pyrotechnics

Stan: Black fireworks are ever so sad.

Mum: Why?

Stan: Because the haven't got a dream in their hearts.

Sunday, 22 April 2012

My Compliments to the Chef

Mum: How's your dinner?

Stan: Well it's quite intergalactic but it's OK.

Mum: OK.

Stan: It makes me go, ting tong ting tong alla walla bing bong.

Friday, 20 April 2012

Birthday Wishes

Mum: What would you like for your birthday Stan?

Stan: An Xbox

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: A broom stick that actually flies.

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: A mug, with a medium sized elephant in the bottom of it.

Mum: Anything else?

Stan: Two bikes, actually stuck together.

Mum: Hmmm.

Thursday, 19 April 2012


Stan: (Making large expressive gestures)

Dad: What are you doing Stan?

Stan: I'm channeling the bard.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Feline Faeces

Stan: Daddy, did you know, Cats bury their wee and poo so donkeys can't find them?

Saturday, 14 April 2012


Stan: Why are trampons only for flim flams?

Mum: Because flim flams have got room for them. Peenee's are too small.

Stan: Can I try and put one up my peenee?

Mum: No it won't fit.

Stan: Can I hang one off my balls then?

Friday, 6 April 2012


Mum: Come on, Stan. Just try and have a wee before we go out.

Stan: But I don't need one.

Mum: Go on mate, please give it a try.

Stan: I DON'T need one.

Mum: Go on, just a little one. Go on, give it a bash.

(Stan punches himself in the balls really hard, doubles over in pain and looks at me in horror)

Stan: Why on Earth did you tell me to do that? It really hurts.

Sunday, 1 April 2012


Stan: (Looking for his mind the gap London underground t-shirt) Mum, where's my, grind the flaps t-shirt?

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Take Your Pick

Stan: It's stuck, it's stuck, my finger's stuck. (Appears in the kitchen doorway with his left index finger up his nose)

Monday, 26 March 2012

You have much to learn

Stan: A bambinoccino is a sort of coffee, for Padawans.

Friday, 23 March 2012


Crazy party entertainer: Does anyone have any pets? 

Stan: (very loudly) I had a wiggly worm once, but it's gone now. 

Monday, 19 March 2012

Man Practice (Band Practice)

Stan: Is Dad going to man practice tonight?

Mum:  Yes Stan. What do you think Dad does at man practice?

Stan: He bites people and jumps on them and puts muck in their eyes. And then he gives them an ice cream.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Lee's Cartoon

Thanks so much to Lee who drew this brilliant cartoon of Stan. Not only is he a talented artist, he is a musician in a great band, Everyone An Army He's also on twitter @radiomoths 
This cartoon is the property of Lee Simpson. 

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Parental Concern

Stan: Put your seatbelt on, you boring Dad of doom.

Friday, 16 March 2012

What's On The Bill?

Stan: (eating his breakfast, pauses, puts his spoon down) It'd be crazy to nail varnish a starling's beak.

 Mum: Erm, yes, I suppose it would.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

It's a Hard Knock Life

Mum: Dad's got to work late tonight so you might have to start reading your bedtime story yourself, till I've got Floss in bed and then I'll come and join you.

Stan: (sigh) It's like living in an orphanage in this house.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

What's In a Name 2?

Dad: What should we call your sister Stan?

Stan: Floss, Floss my Malteser.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Emotions Explained

Stan: Like is like mango and love is like cauliflower.

Mum: Ok. What do you mean?

Stan: Because like is smooth like mango, and love is bobbly like cauliflower.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Times Gone By

Stan: Dad, in the olden days, Oliver came to my house and put whale fat into my mouth.

Saturday, 10 March 2012


Stan sitting at the breakfast table, stops eating, turns to Dad.

Stan: I'm going to make some grey, sunflower seed flavoured toothpaste for monsters, that's what I'll do.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Emo Dad

Stan: I wish you weren't my Daddy. I wish you were called Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert.

Dad: Why Stan what does he do that I don't?

Stan: Because Benjamin Cross Paul Herbert wears two kinds of lipstick, one that stains and one that doesn't, even though he's a boy.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Must Try Harder

Stan: Daddy, are you going to man practice tonight?

Monday, 5 March 2012


Dad: Come on Stan, lets put your cream on.

Stan: Don't put the madness cream on me.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Dear Sister

Dad: What shall we call your baby sister Stan? 

Stan: iPhone, iPhone Tourettes.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

The Plumber Calls

Mum and Plumber stood in the bathroom discussing the price of taps, enter Stan through the bathroom door.

Stan: Mummy, I want to get your boobs out, I want to bing bong them.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

If You Only Knew the Power of the .....

Stan: O ohh, I'm going to the darkside.

Dad: Come back Stan, come back.

Stan: Too late I'm here. Rrrraaargh.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Lost in Translation

Stan: Daddy how do you say t'other in Spanish?


Sunday, 26 February 2012


Stan: This swede is sworange.

Mum: What's sworange?

Stan: It's a colour. It's orange that you can swallow.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Grow Up

Mum: (chasing Stan up the stairs) Come here, you. I'm gonna get you. Gimme that bum, I'm gonna nip it. 

Stan: (stops dead on the stairs) Mummy, can't you just be a normal lady for once?

Mum: (laughing) Oh, sorry Stan. 

Stan: Don't laugh at me. I'm being serious now.

Friday, 24 February 2012


Dad: What do you want to do when you're older Stan?

Stan: Same as I do now.

Dad: What do you want to do as a job?

Stan: I want to be a sharp knifer onion chopper.

Dad: Why?

Stan: Because I do.

Thursday, 23 February 2012


Stan: I want to touch your face with my shoe.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Mum: What are you giving up for Lent Stanley?

Stan: Weetabix and toy bats.

Monday, 20 February 2012


Stan: If there was a burglar in the night I would take all the clothes off him and get Mum to cook something so the smoker alarm goes off and it scares him away.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

George Lucas Take Note

Stan: Daddy, I'm Darth Maul and you are Darth Vader.

Dad: Who is your sister then?

Stan: Err, Darth Treacherous.

Saturday, 18 February 2012


Stan: I'm tired. 

Mum: Join the club.

 Stanley: (Beginning to cry) I don't want to join the club.

Friday, 17 February 2012


Stan: Mum I've fallen on my back kidney and it's gone hard.

Mum: Pardon Stan?

Stan: Oh, we're ok, it's gone soft again now.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Subliminal Advertising

Stan: (running into the kitchen, singing at the top of his voice) Moonpig, dot cock.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Ask Stan a Question.

If you have a burning question you would like to ask Stan then please drop him an email to  We cannot guarantee a sensible answer, but we will endeavour to email you back with whatever wonders Stan says. If we think it's a good one we'll post it on here as well.


So Stan Says

And That's What I Think of You

Stan: This sweet's gone manky. You can have it Mum, because you're a minger.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Star Wars

Stan: I wish you hadn't called my sister Florence.

Dad: What should I have called her?

Stan: The Phantom Menace.

Monday, 13 February 2012


As Mum bent down to kiss Stan goodnight, he grimaced.

Stan: No, mummy, don't kiss me, just go downstairs.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Traduire parlez-vous fran├žais?

Mum: I still find it hard to believe that in this day and age some disadvantaged secondary school kids can't read and write properly, some can't even speak properly. 

Stan: Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix dix dix.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Oliver 2

Stan: Daffodils don't grow on trees, you've got a pick a pocket or two.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Info Alert.

Stan was sent to his room for not listening to Dad or doing as he was told, after five minutes Mum & Dad went up to speak to him.

Mum: Stan, I think you should apologise to your Dad. Have you got something to say to Daddy?

Stan: Yeah, you have to be really careful when you wipe chicken poo off eggs or you might crack them. 

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Planning Permission

On returning home from nursery to discover that the builder had been round and knocked the bathroom wall down.

Stan: What's happened? We must ring daddy, I think I need to speak to him.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

At the Church

Stan: (lying face down on the church floor with his bum in the air, crack fetchingly displayed) I don't like church. I don't want to be here. 

Mum: Please get up Stanley. Why don't you like church?

Stan: The church makes my heart hurt. My heart hurts because it is so miserable. I'm staying down here. 

Mum: Come on Stan, I'll help you up. 

Stan: I'll only get on my knees. I don't want to get the church on my feet.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

News International

Mum: Stanley, what do you think about the News of the World closing? 

Stan: Well Mummy, sometimes when there is a fire, you have to jump out of the window.

Monday, 6 February 2012


Stan: Cock flavoured crisps are minging. 

Mum: What Stan? 

Stan: Cock prawn crisps are minging.

Sunday, 5 February 2012


Dad: Good morning Stan. How are you today? 

Stan: Don't even talk to me, Daddy. 

Saturday, 4 February 2012


Stan: (Having been told he can't have anything else to eat as he's just finished his dinner, steps up to his keyboard, plays a chord and sings) My life has changed.

Friday, 3 February 2012


Stan: In this life, one thing counts. In the bank, larger mouse.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Table Manners

Mum: Stanley, don't talk with your mouth full. 

Stan: OK.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Primary Education

Mum: Stanley, I'm going to have a look round your new school tomorrow and meet one of the teachers Mrs Smith, is there anything you would like me to ask her? 

Stanley: Can I squeeze you into jelly? 

Mum: You'd like me to ask Mrs Smith if you can squeeze her into jelly? 

Stanley: Yep. 

Mum: (wearliy) Ok, any thing else? 

Stanley: Can I eat her?

Monday, 30 January 2012

Pour Homme

Mum: Stanley, have you wiped your bottom? 

Stan: Nope. 

Me: Why have you pulled your trousers up then? 

Stan: It's alright, I sprayed some aftershave on it instead.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Eternal Life, Ahmen

Mum: (reading him the nativity story at bedtime) .....and they called the baby Jesus. 

Stan: Cheeses? That's a silly name for a baby. 

Mum: No, Stan, Jesus, not Cheeses. 

Stan: This story isn't real, is it? 

Mum: Why do you say that? 

Stan: You don't get baby boys. Boys just come out big. You only get baby girls. 

Mum: That's not true, Stan. What about all those photos of you when you were a baby? 

Stan: Boys ARE NOT babies. They just get bigger and bigger and bigger until the life falls out of them and then they die. You're quite big now. Are you going to die soon?

Saturday, 28 January 2012


Stan: (snaps his arms like a crocodile) Here comes a crushing machine to crush you. 

Mum: Please don't crush me, Stanley. 

Stan: Calm down Mum, I'm only gonna take your skin off.

Friday, 27 January 2012

A Beverage

Mum: Would you like a hot drink Stan?

Stan: Horlicks? With Dad? By the computer? What a curious plan.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Endangered Species

Stan: Muuuuum, can you eat tortoises? 

Mum: No, Stanley. 

Stan: Why can't you eat tortoises? 

Mum: Because they taste horrible and they are protected so you can't eat them. 

Stan: Even at Christmas? What if I tidy my toys up? 

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Mum: Stanley, what on Earth are you doing? 

Stan: (naked from the waist down, sat cross legged on the floor with the bath mat stuck up his bum) Sometimes toilet roll isn't enough, Mum.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Sixth Sense

Stan: (Stops eating his breakfast, turns and points his spoon at me and whispers), Someone is watching you.

Monday, 23 January 2012

What's in a Name?


Stan: Muuuuuuuum. 

Mum: Yes, Stanley, what's wrong? 

Stan: I wish you weren't called Mum. 

Mum: Stan, it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. 

Stan: I think Graham would be a better name for you. 

Mum: Please go back to sleep. 

Stan: Ok Graham. I'll try, but I'd rather be a mouse.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

And For My Next Trick

Stan: Why don't squirrels cross the road? 

Mum: Because they're not very good at it and they get squished. 

Stan: Why aren't they very good at it? 

Mum: Because everybody is different. Some animals are good at some things and some animals are rubbish at other things. What are you good at? 

Stan: Ummmm, squashing berries. 

Mum: Ok, what are you rubbish at? 

Stan: Cutting dogs in half (big pause) Muuuuuum, what's inside a dog?

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Bad Dreams


Stan: Aaargh. Aaarrrgh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. 

Mum: Darlin', what's wrong? 

Stan: The leopard's back and he's going to eat me. 

Mum: He's not going to eat you. It's ok. 

Stanley: Yes he is, he's got the brown sauce out.

Friday, 20 January 2012

Work Ethics

Stan: Where's my dad? 

Mum: He's at work. What do you think Dad does at work? 

Stan: He goes into lots different rooms. 

Mum: Then what does he do? 

Stan: Absolutely nothing at all.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Feline communications

Stan: Catty, do you speak miaow or do you speak boy?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Important info.

Stan: I need a bum hailer for my poo cough. 

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Food for thought

Granny: Do you mean garden peas? 

Stan: No, indoor peas.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Sartorial Splendor

Mum: Stanley, please put some trousers on. 

Stan: But I don't want to.

Mum: You need to cover yourself up. Please put something on.

Stan: (Slinks off to the bathroom, reappears with three turquoise sequins on his penis) I've covered myself up now.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

After Dinner Entertainment

Stanley: (Spoken in a whisper). After pudding I'm going into next doors garden to look at their washing line.

Saturday, 14 January 2012


Mum: Stan, would you like to go to the library today? They have books about everything. 

Stan: Do they have books about laundry baskets?

Friday, 13 January 2012

Painfully Colourful

Stan: Tummy ache is brown, like beef. Head ache is white, like chicken. 

Thursday, 12 January 2012

On marking his territory.

Stan: Mummy, I've made a wee. In the cooker.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

How are you?

Mum: Did you have a good day at home with Daddy? 

Stan: I did. A goose bit me.