Snap

Stan: (snaps his arms like a crocodile) Here comes a crushing machine to crush you. 


Mum: Please don't crush me, Stanley. 


Stan: Calm down Mum, I'm only gonna take your skin off.

A Beverage

Mum: Would you like a hot drink Stan?


Stan: Horlicks? With Dad? By the computer? What a curious plan.

Endangered Species

Stan: Muuuuum, can you eat tortoises? 

Mum: No, Stanley. 

Stan: Why can't you eat tortoises? 

Mum: Because they taste horrible and they are protected so you can't eat them. 

Stan: Even at Christmas? What if I tidy my toys up? 

Cleanliness

Mum: Stanley, what on Earth are you doing? 

Stan: (naked from the waist down, sat cross legged on the floor with the bath mat stuck up his bum) Sometimes toilet roll isn't enough, Mum.

Sixth Sense

Stan: (Stops eating his breakfast, turns and points his spoon at me and whispers), Someone is watching you.

What's in a Name?

5am. 


Stan: Muuuuuuuum. 


Mum: Yes, Stanley, what's wrong? 


Stan: I wish you weren't called Mum. 


Mum: Stan, it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. 


Stan: I think Graham would be a better name for you. 


Mum: Please go back to sleep. 


Stan: Ok Graham. I'll try, but I'd rather be a mouse.

And For My Next Trick

Stan: Why don't squirrels cross the road? 


Mum: Because they're not very good at it and they get squished. 


Stan: Why aren't they very good at it? 


Mum: Because everybody is different. Some animals are good at some things and some animals are rubbish at other things. What are you good at? 


Stan: Ummmm, squashing berries. 


Mum: Ok, what are you rubbish at? 


Stan: Cutting dogs in half (big pause) Muuuuuum, what's inside a dog?

Bad Dreams

4am. 

Stan: Aaargh. Aaarrrgh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. 

Mum: Darlin', what's wrong? 

Stan: The leopard's back and he's going to eat me. 

Mum: He's not going to eat you. It's ok. 

Stanley: Yes he is, he's got the brown sauce out.

Work Ethics

Stan: Where's my dad? 


Mum: He's at work. What do you think Dad does at work? 


Stan: He goes into lots different rooms. 


Mum: Then what does he do? 


Stan: Absolutely nothing at all.

Feline communications

Stan: Catty, do you speak miaow or do you speak boy?

Important info.

Stan: I need a bum hailer for my poo cough. 

Food for thought

Granny: Do you mean garden peas? 


Stan: No, indoor peas.

Sartorial Splendor

Mum: Stanley, please put some trousers on. 


Stan: But I don't want to.


Mum: You need to cover yourself up. Please put something on.

Stan: (Slinks off to the bathroom, reappears with three turquoise sequins on his penis) I've covered myself up now.

After Dinner Entertainment

Stanley: (Spoken in a whisper). After pudding I'm going into next doors garden to look at their washing line.

Literature

Mum: Stan, would you like to go to the library today? They have books about everything. 

Stan: Do they have books about laundry baskets?

Painfully Colourful

Stan: Tummy ache is brown, like beef. Head ache is white, like chicken. 

On marking his territory.

Stan: Mummy, I've made a wee. In the cooker.

How are you?

Mum: Did you have a good day at home with Daddy? 


Stan: I did. A goose bit me.