Oliver 2

Stan: Daffodils don't grow on trees, you've got a pick a pocket or two.

Info Alert.

Stan was sent to his room for not listening to Dad or doing as he was told, after five minutes Mum & Dad went up to speak to him.


Mum: Stan, I think you should apologise to your Dad. Have you got something to say to Daddy?


Stan: Yeah, you have to be really careful when you wipe chicken poo off eggs or you might crack them. 

Planning Permission

On returning home from nursery to discover that the builder had been round and knocked the bathroom wall down.


Stan: What's happened? We must ring daddy, I think I need to speak to him.

At the Church

Stan: (lying face down on the church floor with his bum in the air, crack fetchingly displayed) I don't like church. I don't want to be here. 


Mum: Please get up Stanley. Why don't you like church?


Stan: The church makes my heart hurt. My heart hurts because it is so miserable. I'm staying down here. 


Mum: Come on Stan, I'll help you up. 


Stan: I'll only get on my knees. I don't want to get the church on my feet.

News International

Mum: Stanley, what do you think about the News of the World closing? 


Stan: Well Mummy, sometimes when there is a fire, you have to jump out of the window.

Crisps

Stan: Cock flavoured crisps are minging. 


Mum: What Stan? 


Stan: Cock prawn crisps are minging.

Greeting.

Dad: Good morning Stan. How are you today? 


Stan: Don't even talk to me, Daddy. 

Lyrics

Stan: (Having been told he can't have anything else to eat as he's just finished his dinner, steps up to his keyboard, plays a chord and sings) My life has changed.

Oliver

Stan: In this life, one thing counts. In the bank, larger mouse.

Table Manners

Mum: Stanley, don't talk with your mouth full. 


Stan: OK.

Primary Education

Mum: Stanley, I'm going to have a look round your new school tomorrow and meet one of the teachers Mrs Smith, is there anything you would like me to ask her? 


Stanley: Can I squeeze you into jelly? 


Mum: You'd like me to ask Mrs Smith if you can squeeze her into jelly? 


Stanley: Yep. 


Mum: (wearliy) Ok, any thing else? 


Stanley: Can I eat her?

Pour Homme

Mum: Stanley, have you wiped your bottom? 


Stan: Nope. 


Me: Why have you pulled your trousers up then? 


Stan: It's alright, I sprayed some aftershave on it instead.

Eternal Life, Ahmen

Mum: (reading him the nativity story at bedtime) .....and they called the baby Jesus. 


Stan: Cheeses? That's a silly name for a baby. 


Mum: No, Stan, Jesus, not Cheeses. 


Stan: This story isn't real, is it? 


Mum: Why do you say that? 


Stan: You don't get baby boys. Boys just come out big. You only get baby girls. 


Mum: That's not true, Stan. What about all those photos of you when you were a baby? 


Stan: Boys ARE NOT babies. They just get bigger and bigger and bigger until the life falls out of them and then they die. You're quite big now. Are you going to die soon?

Snap

Stan: (snaps his arms like a crocodile) Here comes a crushing machine to crush you. 


Mum: Please don't crush me, Stanley. 


Stan: Calm down Mum, I'm only gonna take your skin off.

A Beverage

Mum: Would you like a hot drink Stan?


Stan: Horlicks? With Dad? By the computer? What a curious plan.

Endangered Species

Stan: Muuuuum, can you eat tortoises? 

Mum: No, Stanley. 

Stan: Why can't you eat tortoises? 

Mum: Because they taste horrible and they are protected so you can't eat them. 

Stan: Even at Christmas? What if I tidy my toys up? 

Cleanliness

Mum: Stanley, what on Earth are you doing? 

Stan: (naked from the waist down, sat cross legged on the floor with the bath mat stuck up his bum) Sometimes toilet roll isn't enough, Mum.

Sixth Sense

Stan: (Stops eating his breakfast, turns and points his spoon at me and whispers), Someone is watching you.

What's in a Name?

5am. 


Stan: Muuuuuuuum. 


Mum: Yes, Stanley, what's wrong? 


Stan: I wish you weren't called Mum. 


Mum: Stan, it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. 


Stan: I think Graham would be a better name for you. 


Mum: Please go back to sleep. 


Stan: Ok Graham. I'll try, but I'd rather be a mouse.

And For My Next Trick

Stan: Why don't squirrels cross the road? 


Mum: Because they're not very good at it and they get squished. 


Stan: Why aren't they very good at it? 


Mum: Because everybody is different. Some animals are good at some things and some animals are rubbish at other things. What are you good at? 


Stan: Ummmm, squashing berries. 


Mum: Ok, what are you rubbish at? 


Stan: Cutting dogs in half (big pause) Muuuuuum, what's inside a dog?

Bad Dreams

4am. 

Stan: Aaargh. Aaarrrgh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. 

Mum: Darlin', what's wrong? 

Stan: The leopard's back and he's going to eat me. 

Mum: He's not going to eat you. It's ok. 

Stanley: Yes he is, he's got the brown sauce out.

Work Ethics

Stan: Where's my dad? 


Mum: He's at work. What do you think Dad does at work? 


Stan: He goes into lots different rooms. 


Mum: Then what does he do? 


Stan: Absolutely nothing at all.

Feline communications

Stan: Catty, do you speak miaow or do you speak boy?

Important info.

Stan: I need a bum hailer for my poo cough. 

Food for thought

Granny: Do you mean garden peas? 


Stan: No, indoor peas.

Sartorial Splendor

Mum: Stanley, please put some trousers on. 


Stan: But I don't want to.


Mum: You need to cover yourself up. Please put something on.

Stan: (Slinks off to the bathroom, reappears with three turquoise sequins on his penis) I've covered myself up now.

After Dinner Entertainment

Stanley: (Spoken in a whisper). After pudding I'm going into next doors garden to look at their washing line.

Literature

Mum: Stan, would you like to go to the library today? They have books about everything. 

Stan: Do they have books about laundry baskets?

Painfully Colourful

Stan: Tummy ache is brown, like beef. Head ache is white, like chicken. 

On marking his territory.

Stan: Mummy, I've made a wee. In the cooker.

How are you?

Mum: Did you have a good day at home with Daddy? 


Stan: I did. A goose bit me.